Childlike Expectations

There need to be disclaimers for this one. Parenting and child psychology can be very individualistic. Yet thousands of books are written about it. While WE may all not HAVE children; we ARE all children.

Our parents play a pivotal role in our lives, living or passed on. If we ask grown-ups today what could their parents have done differently, we hear noise that’s shrouded with millions of complaints and false expectations, some quite unrealistic. Acknowledging what they themselves could have done right is also missing and explained as the cause of growing up. However, if we dig deeper there is a grain of truth within all the special effects. And it all lies beyond the obvious.

I can’t help but wonder in the day and age of information surfeit and constant ambiguity- what would a child expect while growing up from his/ her parents? And I don’t mean mobile phones or a spider man outfit. I mean psychologically. The title of “perfect parenting” can be a huge burden to bear. Let’s be clear that this is about going from can dos, should dos, must dos to please dos. This is also about the million things we wish we could say to our parents but somehow remain gob-smacked, never able to share, explain or ease our minds; all the time blaming ourselves or them, no one is taking responsibility either sides, and the cycle never ends.

As a therapist and behavioral transformation professional, my counselling, therapy sessions and corporate projects have brought several parenting related issues to the table. We know this and we also acknowledge that those of you who are sorted and sane are the lucky ones who had a pair of hands that held them in perfect harmony and ensured that no major healing would be required as we they aged, matured and turned adults. Or perhaps they learned to heal themselves as they grew up.

Here’s my list of childlike expectations, written from a child’s point of view, compiled from the many interactions, conversations, counselling, emails and coaching/ mentoring dialogues. (In no particular order).

The child in me and the grown-up children around me- this is for us!

Dear Mom and Dad,

1. I always appreciate what you did, do and will do for me: I have watched you closely and know all that you have done for me and sacrificed for me. Probably the frequency with which you expect me to say “Thank-you” is missing. But that’s doesn’t mean that deep down I don’t know. What would help is when we do something for me or sacrifice for me as your child, please sit down and explain the value and importance of it to my life, telling me how tough it was for you. This will help so that I don’t grow up as a spoiled brat that "de-values" your efforts. But do this once. When you rub it in, in casual conversations, too often as to how great a parent you and are and how much you’ve had to give up for me, it makes me feel like a burden and makes me feel guilt. This guilt will carry within me for years and maybe forever.

2. There is no guarantee: If I am selfish or stubborn or caring or successful or a failure, it is because of who I have become in my life with years of conditioning not just from you but also from the world outside. I know you care about me and want me to be “good”. Despite your care or lack of it, I may still turn out to be different and unpredictable. There is no guarantee. I may be a reflection of you, but I am also reflecting so much more. It is isn’t always your credit or your blame.

3. Be ruthless: Rather than just teaching me about social relationships, religions, cultural expectations and norms, be ruthless with me and teach me some of the globally accepted and not-accepted behaviors. Like, sexual assault on anyone by force is wrong. Harming animals, small or big for pleasure and fun and any other reasons is wrong. Picking flowers aimlessly and throwing litter/ spitting/ defecating in public is wrong. Treating differently oriented / colored/ dressed / cultured people with hate and violence is wrong. Don’t let these behaviors of mine be an excuse for “Look how cutsie he is when he pulls a cats tail”. Please don’t judge people around me and teach me not to judge people. I may make it through life without a distinction in school, but if you don’t teach me these things, I will never know what it means to be a good human being.

4. Teach me to speak: If I do something wrong tell me, don’t shout at me or hit me. If you sit me down and say it a couple of times, my mind will register it as I grow up and understand. If you throw tantrums and punish me in-directly I will grow up to be aggressive or passive and also hold back my feelings from others. Teach me to speak clearly, politely and directly and to be brave when i do it.

5. Teach me to respect you and get respect from you: Don’t allow me to push you around and make you dance at my beck and call. I am your responsibility till I grow old enough but that doesn’t mean I don’t allow you to live your life. You cannot skip going for yoga to take me swimming just because I cry and make you feel bad. Explain to me that we both must find time and space for ourselves and for each other. Likewise, don’t raise me up to run to your beck and call. I love you and I will never abandon you but using emotional blackmail won’t make me come to you for help, or support you with love. It will only be done as a duty. Let’s talk and set expectations and I am sure we will always have respect in this relationship.

6. Again, I want to learn respect for you: If you allow me to disrespect you at a young age, scream at you, pull your hair, demand attention and if you dismiss this as a child’ game, I will grow up thinking it’s ok to call you names and get away with it. If you try to change me at a later time, and feel disappointed that I am rude, it may be more difficult at that point.

7. Guidance: I may be expecting too much but I need your guidance. You know more than me and if you help me to know options and explain the consequences of those actions, I will hopefully, take better decisions. Avoid being my superintendent, and keeping me in the prison of your desires and outcomes. After a particular age let me choose and fail and rise. If you control me too much, I will suffocate and rebel. And if I do grow up as your puppet, I hope I am happy being that forever. God forbid I change my mind.

8. Family is everything or nothing? When you criticize family constantly and exaggerate how my father / mother/ uncles/ aunts/ grandparents/ siblings are no good I grow up feeling alone and anti-family. When you make me feel family is always right and everything, I am not able to distinguish between parasitic family members and supportive ones. Help me stay -balanced and sincere and rational.

9. I am there for you: I will be there for you; you needn’t play mind games with me of guilt and sympathy and pity. If you lose a spouse and are lonely, I cannot replace that and stay imprisoned in your existence of abandonment. Your bond with me of a parent will never allow me to abandon you. Have faith not fear.

10. You and I are different and connected: We are connected through a bond of genetics and the time we spend together. While I may be like you in so many ways, let me also evolve into my own fate, mind-sets and opinions. I am and will be different in several aspects and I should be allowed to make my choices in life. While I want to learn from your mistakes and your life, instilling the fear or belief in me that life will repeat itself with me identically, is being paranoid and unrealistic. No one knows what tomorrow brings, but I know that I want you by my side and I want to be by your side through a sentiment of love, care and respect. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I love you,

Your Child